11 May 2012

11 May 2012... isn't the Mayan calender suppose to have ended today or tomorrow?

I haven't written anything for such a long time. I was going to delete the blog but looking over it now I'm glad I've kept it - it was a horrible time and writing helped me. I must also say that I found women on the blogs of some of the main pregnancy sites incredibly supportive and there were a few who were going through the same situation. It truly helped to be able to talk to someone who was in the same situation.

I'm happy to say I'm now 30 weeks pregnant! I'm 38 now too. It took until about 20 weeks before I was comfortable enough to tell anyone. I had shocking morning sickness for the first 14 weeks (vomiting etc) but since then I've been feeling amazing, in fact better than I've ever felt thanks in part to the happy hormones - that's not to say of course that I haven't also been a grumpy old bag as well.

I remember when I had miscarried the second time reading blogs by older women who had had a few miscarriages and then gone on to have a healthy pregnancies. I loved reading their stories because they filled me with hope. It was their stories that helped keep me afloat.

I feel much stronger in myself with this pregnancy - I feel that the previous heartache has helped me to appreciate what I have at the moment and also has made me realise that I am totally worthy of becoming a mum - that I will be a good mum actually. I think it took a lot of heartache to work that out. I'm doing yoga twice a week with my sister who is an excellent yoga teacher and I feel physically much stronger. I feel prepared and excited for labour. My partner and I are off to do the Calm Birth workshop in Bowral on the weekend and I'm looking forward to having that time to focus on the baby and the process of birth. I would really like to have a natural birth and I've booked into a midwife run practice that is also into natural birthing. I can have a home birth too if I wish.

My partner and I are currently trying to sell our half renovated house to buy another house in the same area that doesn't require renovating. If by some miracle we manage to pull it off and end up living in the amazing new place I would love to have my baby there. Currently our house isn't conducive because our neighbours are a pain in the ass - noisy etc and the thought of being in labour and then having the neighbour turn up his doof music through his sub woofers is a no go zone for me - I'll end up on today tonight having shot the neighbour. I noted a story on the news the other night about a neighbourly dispute that turned sour over loud music - someone got a chainsaw out and started attacking the neighbour with it!

Something I've learnt whilst being pregnant - don't discuss how you would like to give birth. In the past I told some women I was interested in home birth and I soon realised that so many people have such polarised views on this issue - passionate, polarised views that I ended up trying to justify why I would put myself into what they thought was a dangerous situation to give birth in, especially as I was so blessed to find myself pregnant again. I just don't talk about it anymore. I've actually always thought that a hospital is the last place I would want to have a baby. The smell, the cold, the lighting all make me feel nervous and stressed. If I was at home or in a room that was much less like a hospital I'd feel calmer and stronger in myself - of course I'd be grateful there's a hospital there should I need it but personally I actually feel my labour would be easier if I was feeling comfortable in my surroundings.

I know that as a western woman I've got it all pretty good - the fact that I can choose between going to a major hospital, a smaller midwife run practice or have a home birth indicates this. I do see the cringe factor in that. Some women say to me - the only thing that matters is producing a healthy baby, that I won't care what my surroundings are because I'll just be completely focused on getting the baby out. I get that but I guess after everything I really do feel blessed to be pregnant again and as idealistic as I may be I actually would like to try and give birth in a way that enhances my life - in a way that could be the most amazing and proud experience of my life rather than the most traumatic. My mother still talks about my sister's birth like it was the most horrifying experience of her life. One of the things she remembers the most that made her feel so bad was the lack of support and comfort that she felt within the hospital. The nurses were not nurturing towards her, and the environment was sterile and cold - she was afraid. I can't imagine those things not having an impact on her subsequent labour.

I'd love to be able to say that it was a deeply spiritual experience, where my baby and I worked together and that I was so proud of myself of being able to get through it. I guess I'll see won't I.

Sorry for the long blog - it's been a while so there was a lot to catch up on. Right now I look like I've swallowed a football but I feel overjoyed and alive and so grateful that I've made it so far. There's still a way to go but I feel positive and well and so looking forward to meeting my baby! Wow!

Tuesday 16th August 2011

Well it's been shitsville for a while to say the least. I so want to quite my job but don't know how to. The week that I miscarried, the other girl at work announced her pregnancy and I found it so so hard. I'm still finding it hard - too hard actually. I don't think i'm coping with it all which is why I want to leave work. I've been getting on with things but today I just lost it again and the world tumbles down. I've lost the positivity that was there now. I've lost hope presently. I'm sure it will swing back one day but right now it feels unbearable.

Sunday 24 July 2011

Haven't miscarried as yet but I'm feeling like i'm on the verge. Have had spotting and am feeling crampy this morning. Spoke to the hospital who put me on to their after hours GP and he said just see how you go and book in with GP tomorrow. He said I'd probably have to wait hours to get a scan at the hospital on a sunday anyway. I wish if it was going to happen that it would just happen now so I can get on with things..this waiting is awful. I just looked at the news as well and god! 98 people dead in Norway after terrorist attack? and the amazing Amy Winehouse dead. Far out, think I'll just go jump off the roof.

....later that day. Had a bath and now feeling totally exhausted. Bleeding more regularly now like a light-medium period and feel a bit crampy. Could take a few days I guess. It's quiet and the sun is shining onto my bed. I don't feel so upset now...just feel like i'll have to dust my self off and try again when I'm ready. Besides we've still got so much more to do to our house etc. I so wish this wasn't happening but nothing I can do except keep myself healthy and well for next time. There's a lesson for me here somewhere and I'm not being hard on myself. The situation is almost exactly the same as it was last time. I had a colleague at work a couple of weeks ahead of me and our neighbours were away at the same time so I was collecting eggs from their chooks. Maybe it's just to be more accepting of the way life twists and turns. To not take it so personally To not be so hard on myself. To be soft (not become hardened and bitter) and to feel ok with protecting my emotions by distancing myself from certain situations if I need to.

Saturday 23 July 2011

Well I'm freaking out right now. I have some brownish discharge going on (sorry for being gross) and I'm terrified I'm about to miscarry. I have slight cramping. I was out at the shops and felt incredibly tired and came home. I wish someone could tell me what's going on. Got doc appointment on Monday morning. I've checked out all the on-line blogs. Some women have had this and have gone on to conceive. I was just feeling so much more positive about this pregnancy. I wish I could fight it somehow but what can I do? Sit and wait for fate to sort it out.

Wednesday 20 July 2011

Still pregnant! I'm feeling much more positive about this pregnancy and have even booked myself into a birthing centre. I didn't do this last time round and I remember feeling that it was all very fragile at the time. I didn't want to risk getting too excited, as if I knew somewhere in my body what was going to occur. This time I'm quite excited and letting myself think about the kind of birth I would like. I'm six weeks and there's a blob a little over the size of a seseme seed growing in my belly. I've been feeling ok, not too nauseas or tired so far. I have occasional moments of fear when I have a cramp in my stomach but otherwise everything has been quite mild. I'm thinking about a home birth. I like the idea of a blow up pool in my lounge room with my partner, mum and sister around me. The thought of not having any pain relief handy is a little daunting but I know I'd feel less stressed in my own home in the first place which would help me. I guess I have to see how the pregnancy progresses. I sometimes wonder if I set up a beautiful atmosphere at home to have the birth in, my neighbour will probably start playing his incessant doof music which inturn may release my inner mad woman and help me give birth!

I've been trying to be somewhat with the other pregnant girl at work. I still feel annoyed at being in a similar situation as I was last time but it's so selfish of me to think like that. It's just taken me a while to get over the emotion surrounding her announcement. I want to try and patch things up with my brother somehow too. I don't want negative crap floating around in my head while i'm pregnant. I want to really enjoy it and not take it for granted. I watched an amazing tale on Australian story about a woman with a genetic disorder who went to hell and back to get pregnant. Her journey was extradordinary and heartbreaking, inspiring and heartwarming. Check it out, www.abc.net.au/iView on the Australian Story website (18 July 2011). Keep the tissues handy.

Monday 11 July 2011

Life is a rollercoaster at this moment. Two days ago I found out I was pregnant! My period was late, only by a day but I was feeling some pregnancy symptoms so I took the test and a clear line was evident. My partner and I were really happy and well it all feels so strange given that the week before I was feeling so down about it all. I realised I'm back in the same situation I was when I was pregnant last time. My other work colleague is pregnant - ahead of me by a few weeks. It's strange. Anyway it's now two days later and i've been enjoying the idea of us being parents though remembering that I need to temper my feelings given the disappointment I could feel if i lost this one too.

I've been feeling mildly nauseas and have had mild cramping but this evening my cramping has heightened and I feel quite emotional. When I miscarried last time I remember feeling period pain cramping that was slowly intensifying. I also felt lower back pain and I had read that this was a likely symptom of miscarriage. As the cramps intensified I felt the inevitability of the situation. I knew without a doubt I was miscarrying and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. At the time I just went with it all and in a way it felt somehow natural...I was trusting that my body new best and that this baby just wasn't quite strong enough to make it through. But I remember feeling helpless.

This evening I'm starting to feel an amount of helplessness. I'm wondering if these cramps are going to intensify and I might loose this pregnancy too. I'm feeling like it might all slip through my fingers again only this time I really want this baby. It's so bitter sweet all this. I have a doctors appnt on Friday which is a week away. Think i'll try and get in there a bit earlier. Please let me make it through.

28 June 2011

Today was horrible. Holding onto tears all day, I hid my despair under a gnarly mood. The cover worked for the most part. God it was hard, I wanted to scream and throw things. My colleague was glowing with pregnancy joy, very clearly stoked with her new predicament. I almost couldn't bare to look at her. What a shit head I am. I was surprised at the amount of anger I felt about the situation. How I couldn't regulate my emotions - I got sucked into a vortex all day. When I got home and walked through the door I took my gnarly mood out on my partner. Aren't I great! Then I ran a bath. Once in I cried and cried and imagined aboriginal elders from a spirit world clearing away the emotion in my body and the noise in my mind. I have to let go of wanting an out come...just let go, just let go, just let go. I don't want to become bitter and unable to enjoy the journey my pregnant female friends are on. I just feel like giving up on it all though today. Got wine and fire going now so feeling much more subdued.