May 10, 2012

11 May 2012

11 May 2012... isn't the Mayan calender suppose to have ended today or tomorrow?

I haven't written anything for such a long time. I was going to delete the blog but looking over it now I'm glad I've kept it - it was a horrible time and writing helped me. I must also say that I found women on the blogs of some of the main pregnancy sites incredibly supportive and there were a few who were going through the same situation. It truly helped to be able to talk to someone who was in the same situation.

I'm happy to say I'm now 30 weeks pregnant! I'm 38 now too. It took until about 20 weeks before I was comfortable enough to tell anyone. I had shocking morning sickness for the first 14 weeks (vomiting etc) but since then I've been feeling amazing, in fact better than I've ever felt thanks in part to the happy hormones - that's not to say of course that I haven't also been a grumpy old bag as well.

I remember when I had miscarried the second time reading blogs by older women who had had a few miscarriages and then gone on to have a healthy pregnancies. I loved reading their stories because they filled me with hope. It was their stories that helped keep me afloat.

I feel much stronger in myself with this pregnancy - I feel that the previous heartache has helped me to appreciate what I have at the moment and also has made me realise that I am totally worthy of becoming a mum - that I will be a good mum actually. I think it took a lot of heartache to work that out. I'm doing yoga twice a week with my sister who is an excellent yoga teacher and I feel physically much stronger. I feel prepared and excited for labour. My partner and I are off to do the Calm Birth workshop in Bowral on the weekend and I'm looking forward to having that time to focus on the baby and the process of birth. I would really like to have a natural birth and I've booked into a midwife run practice that is also into natural birthing. I can have a home birth too if I wish.

My partner and I are currently trying to sell our half renovated house to buy another house in the same area that doesn't require renovating. If by some miracle we manage to pull it off and end up living in the amazing new place I would love to have my baby there. Currently our house isn't conducive because our neighbours are a pain in the ass - noisy etc and the thought of being in labour and then having the neighbour turn up his doof music through his sub woofers is a no go zone for me - I'll end up on today tonight having shot the neighbour. I noted a story on the news the other night about a neighbourly dispute that turned sour over loud music - someone got a chainsaw out and started attacking the neighbour with it!

Something I've learnt whilst being pregnant - don't discuss how you would like to give birth. In the past I told some women I was interested in home birth and I soon realised that so many people have such polarised views on this issue - passionate, polarised views that I ended up trying to justify why I would put myself into what they thought was a dangerous situation to give birth in, especially as I was so blessed to find myself pregnant again. I just don't talk about it anymore. I've actually always thought that a hospital is the last place I would want to have a baby. The smell, the cold, the lighting all make me feel nervous and stressed. If I was at home or in a room that was much less like a hospital I'd feel calmer and stronger in myself - of course I'd be grateful there's a hospital there should I need it but personally I actually feel my labour would be easier if I was feeling comfortable in my surroundings.

I know that as a western woman I've got it all pretty good - the fact that I can choose between going to a major hospital, a smaller midwife run practice or have a home birth indicates this. I do see the cringe factor in that. Some women say to me - the only thing that matters is producing a healthy baby, that I won't care what my surroundings are because I'll just be completely focused on getting the baby out. I get that but I guess after everything I really do feel blessed to be pregnant again and as idealistic as I may be I actually would like to try and give birth in a way that enhances my life - in a way that could be the most amazing and proud experience of my life rather than the most traumatic. My mother still talks about my sister's birth like it was the most horrifying experience of her life. One of the things she remembers the most that made her feel so bad was the lack of support and comfort that she felt within the hospital. The nurses were not nurturing towards her, and the environment was sterile and cold - she was afraid. I can't imagine those things not having an impact on her subsequent labour.

I'd love to be able to say that it was a deeply spiritual experience, where my baby and I worked together and that I was so proud of myself of being able to get through it. I guess I'll see won't I.

Sorry for the long blog - it's been a while so there was a lot to catch up on. Right now I look like I've swallowed a football but I feel overjoyed and alive and so grateful that I've made it so far. There's still a way to go but I feel positive and well and so looking forward to meeting my baby! Wow!