June 28, 2011

28 June 2011

Today was horrible. Holding onto tears all day, I hid my despair under a gnarly mood. The cover worked for the most part. God it was hard, I wanted to scream and throw things. My colleague was glowing with pregnancy joy, very clearly stoked with her new predicament. I almost couldn't bare to look at her. What a shit head I am. I was surprised at the amount of anger I felt about the situation. How I couldn't regulate my emotions - I got sucked into a vortex all day. When I got home and walked through the door I took my gnarly mood out on my partner. Aren't I great! Then I ran a bath. Once in I cried and cried and imagined aboriginal elders from a spirit world clearing away the emotion in my body and the noise in my mind. I have to let go of wanting an out come...just let go, just let go, just let go. I don't want to become bitter and unable to enjoy the journey my pregnant female friends are on. I just feel like giving up on it all though today. Got wine and fire going now so feeling much more subdued.

June 27, 2011

Monday 27 June 2011

I've set up this blog in order to distract myself. I was thinking about doing one of those video diaries but I look terrible on camera and I've become paranoid about identity theft.

I'm 37 and trying to conceive. The highs and lows are difficult to take and sometimes I think of flinging myself off the roof  Lucy Jordan style, alas I'm a glutton for punishment and on I go. My partner and I have been trying to conceive for the past couple of years. I got pregnant late last year but miscarried after three months. The day after I excitedly told my family. Bummer! At the time I was very philosophical about it all. It seemed to be a natural process of elimination and I trusted that my body new best. I was also a bit terrified about being pregnant, once the reality had set in and so I felt that I had some responsibility in there as well. I didn't blame myself in a negative way though and once the trauma was over I really felt positive about my chances of future conception.

At the time I was working with another girl 10 years younger than me who got pregnant at the same time. When I miscarried she felt like she couldn't really enjoy her own pregnancy. I felt awful about that and I made sure she knew I was fine with everything - "that's life what can you do..." I assured her I was happy for her and I rose above my own situation to support her along her journey.

Three days ago I found out the other young girl in the office is pregnant. I had quite a different response this time. I felt jealous, ripped off and sad. And I felt terrible about feeling those things towards her. I am happy for her but I'm wondering how I'm going to put a brave face on while I support another coworker on their pregnancy journey.  I haven't seen her as yet to congratulate her but to be honest I'm dreading it. I know I'm going to have to be super brave tomorrow when I do. I keep reminding myself that she is on her path, with her own timeline and her time is now. My timeline is different and I need to be patient. She will need female support at work as it's quite a male environment (no offense to all the great supportive men out there). It's bloody hard though.

I thought I'd write this blog for myself just so I don't become bitter and twisted and well if anyone posts anything or can relate then that would just be a great bonus.

Whilst I was feeling quite positive about being able to conceive, the seeds of doubt are starting to appear in my mind but I'm trying to shake it. Uggh, I hope this isn't going to be a long road. Every month I get my hopes up and seem to find a new possible pregnancy symptom and then nothing.

I really feel for every woman out there who's ready to conceive right now and it just isn't working.