Today was horrible. Holding onto tears all day, I hid my despair under a gnarly mood. The cover worked for the most part. God it was hard, I wanted to scream and throw things. My colleague was glowing with pregnancy joy, very clearly stoked with her new predicament. I almost couldn't bare to look at her. What a shit head I am. I was surprised at the amount of anger I felt about the situation. How I couldn't regulate my emotions - I got sucked into a vortex all day. When I got home and walked through the door I took my gnarly mood out on my partner. Aren't I great! Then I ran a bath. Once in I cried and cried and imagined aboriginal elders from a spirit world clearing away the emotion in my body and the noise in my mind. I have to let go of wanting an out come...just let go, just let go, just let go. I don't want to become bitter and unable to enjoy the journey my pregnant female friends are on. I just feel like giving up on it all though today. Got wine and fire going now so feeling much more subdued.