June 27, 2011

Monday 27 June 2011

I've set up this blog in order to distract myself. I was thinking about doing one of those video diaries but I look terrible on camera and I've become paranoid about identity theft.

I'm 37 and trying to conceive. The highs and lows are difficult to take and sometimes I think of flinging myself off the roof  Lucy Jordan style, alas I'm a glutton for punishment and on I go. My partner and I have been trying to conceive for the past couple of years. I got pregnant late last year but miscarried after three months. The day after I excitedly told my family. Bummer! At the time I was very philosophical about it all. It seemed to be a natural process of elimination and I trusted that my body new best. I was also a bit terrified about being pregnant, once the reality had set in and so I felt that I had some responsibility in there as well. I didn't blame myself in a negative way though and once the trauma was over I really felt positive about my chances of future conception.

At the time I was working with another girl 10 years younger than me who got pregnant at the same time. When I miscarried she felt like she couldn't really enjoy her own pregnancy. I felt awful about that and I made sure she knew I was fine with everything - "that's life what can you do..." I assured her I was happy for her and I rose above my own situation to support her along her journey.

Three days ago I found out the other young girl in the office is pregnant. I had quite a different response this time. I felt jealous, ripped off and sad. And I felt terrible about feeling those things towards her. I am happy for her but I'm wondering how I'm going to put a brave face on while I support another coworker on their pregnancy journey.  I haven't seen her as yet to congratulate her but to be honest I'm dreading it. I know I'm going to have to be super brave tomorrow when I do. I keep reminding myself that she is on her path, with her own timeline and her time is now. My timeline is different and I need to be patient. She will need female support at work as it's quite a male environment (no offense to all the great supportive men out there). It's bloody hard though.

I thought I'd write this blog for myself just so I don't become bitter and twisted and well if anyone posts anything or can relate then that would just be a great bonus.

Whilst I was feeling quite positive about being able to conceive, the seeds of doubt are starting to appear in my mind but I'm trying to shake it. Uggh, I hope this isn't going to be a long road. Every month I get my hopes up and seem to find a new possible pregnancy symptom and then nothing.

I really feel for every woman out there who's ready to conceive right now and it just isn't working.

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