August 16, 2011

Tuesday 16th August 2011

Well it's been shitsville for a while to say the least. I so want to quite my job but don't know how to. The week that I miscarried, the other girl at work announced her pregnancy and I found it so so hard. I'm still finding it hard - too hard actually. I don't think i'm coping with it all which is why I want to leave work. I've been getting on with things but today I just lost it again and the world tumbles down. I've lost the positivity that was there now. I've lost hope presently. I'm sure it will swing back one day but right now it feels unbearable.

July 23, 2011

Sunday 24 July 2011

Haven't miscarried as yet but I'm feeling like i'm on the verge. Have had spotting and am feeling crampy this morning. Spoke to the hospital who put me on to their after hours GP and he said just see how you go and book in with GP tomorrow. He said I'd probably have to wait hours to get a scan at the hospital on a sunday anyway. I wish if it was going to happen that it would just happen now so I can get on with things..this waiting is awful. I just looked at the news as well and god! 98 people dead in Norway after terrorist attack? and the amazing Amy Winehouse dead. Far out, think I'll just go jump off the roof.

....later that day. Had a bath and now feeling totally exhausted. Bleeding more regularly now like a light-medium period and feel a bit crampy. Could take a few days I guess. It's quiet and the sun is shining onto my bed. I don't feel so upset now...just feel like i'll have to dust my self off and try again when I'm ready. Besides we've still got so much more to do to our house etc. I so wish this wasn't happening but nothing I can do except keep myself healthy and well for next time. There's a lesson for me here somewhere and I'm not being hard on myself. The situation is almost exactly the same as it was last time. I had a colleague at work a couple of weeks ahead of me and our neighbours were away at the same time so I was collecting eggs from their chooks. Maybe it's just to be more accepting of the way life twists and turns. To not take it so personally To not be so hard on myself. To be soft (not become hardened and bitter) and to feel ok with protecting my emotions by distancing myself from certain situations if I need to.

July 22, 2011

Saturday 23 July 2011

Well I'm freaking out right now. I have some brownish discharge going on (sorry for being gross) and I'm terrified I'm about to miscarry. I have slight cramping. I was out at the shops and felt incredibly tired and came home. I wish someone could tell me what's going on. Got doc appointment on Monday morning. I've checked out all the on-line blogs. Some women have had this and have gone on to conceive. I was just feeling so much more positive about this pregnancy. I wish I could fight it somehow but what can I do? Sit and wait for fate to sort it out.

July 20, 2011

Wednesday 20 July 2011

Still pregnant! I'm feeling much more positive about this pregnancy and have even booked myself into a birthing centre. I didn't do this last time round and I remember feeling that it was all very fragile at the time. I didn't want to risk getting too excited, as if I knew somewhere in my body what was going to occur. This time I'm quite excited and letting myself think about the kind of birth I would like. I'm six weeks and there's a blob a little over the size of a seseme seed growing in my belly. I've been feeling ok, not too nauseas or tired so far. I have occasional moments of fear when I have a cramp in my stomach but otherwise everything has been quite mild. I'm thinking about a home birth. I like the idea of a blow up pool in my lounge room with my partner, mum and sister around me. The thought of not having any pain relief handy is a little daunting but I know I'd feel less stressed in my own home in the first place which would help me. I guess I have to see how the pregnancy progresses. I sometimes wonder if I set up a beautiful atmosphere at home to have the birth in, my neighbour will probably start playing his incessant doof music which inturn may release my inner mad woman and help me give birth!

I've been trying to be somewhat with the other pregnant girl at work. I still feel annoyed at being in a similar situation as I was last time but it's so selfish of me to think like that. It's just taken me a while to get over the emotion surrounding her announcement. I want to try and patch things up with my brother somehow too. I don't want negative crap floating around in my head while i'm pregnant. I want to really enjoy it and not take it for granted. I watched an amazing tale on Australian story about a woman with a genetic disorder who went to hell and back to get pregnant. Her journey was extradordinary and heartbreaking, inspiring and heartwarming. Check it out, on the Australian Story website (18 July 2011). Keep the tissues handy.

July 11, 2011

Monday 11 July 2011

Life is a rollercoaster at this moment. Two days ago I found out I was pregnant! My period was late, only by a day but I was feeling some pregnancy symptoms so I took the test and a clear line was evident. My partner and I were really happy and well it all feels so strange given that the week before I was feeling so down about it all. I realised I'm back in the same situation I was when I was pregnant last time. My other work colleague is pregnant - ahead of me by a few weeks. It's strange. Anyway it's now two days later and i've been enjoying the idea of us being parents though remembering that I need to temper my feelings given the disappointment I could feel if i lost this one too.

I've been feeling mildly nauseas and have had mild cramping but this evening my cramping has heightened and I feel quite emotional. When I miscarried last time I remember feeling period pain cramping that was slowly intensifying. I also felt lower back pain and I had read that this was a likely symptom of miscarriage. As the cramps intensified I felt the inevitability of the situation. I knew without a doubt I was miscarrying and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. At the time I just went with it all and in a way it felt somehow natural...I was trusting that my body new best and that this baby just wasn't quite strong enough to make it through. But I remember feeling helpless.

This evening I'm starting to feel an amount of helplessness. I'm wondering if these cramps are going to intensify and I might loose this pregnancy too. I'm feeling like it might all slip through my fingers again only this time I really want this baby. It's so bitter sweet all this. I have a doctors appnt on Friday which is a week away. Think i'll try and get in there a bit earlier. Please let me make it through.

June 28, 2011

28 June 2011

Today was horrible. Holding onto tears all day, I hid my despair under a gnarly mood. The cover worked for the most part. God it was hard, I wanted to scream and throw things. My colleague was glowing with pregnancy joy, very clearly stoked with her new predicament. I almost couldn't bare to look at her. What a shit head I am. I was surprised at the amount of anger I felt about the situation. How I couldn't regulate my emotions - I got sucked into a vortex all day. When I got home and walked through the door I took my gnarly mood out on my partner. Aren't I great! Then I ran a bath. Once in I cried and cried and imagined aboriginal elders from a spirit world clearing away the emotion in my body and the noise in my mind. I have to let go of wanting an out come...just let go, just let go, just let go. I don't want to become bitter and unable to enjoy the journey my pregnant female friends are on. I just feel like giving up on it all though today. Got wine and fire going now so feeling much more subdued.

June 27, 2011

Monday 27 June 2011

I've set up this blog in order to distract myself. I was thinking about doing one of those video diaries but I look terrible on camera and I've become paranoid about identity theft.

I'm 37 and trying to conceive. The highs and lows are difficult to take and sometimes I think of flinging myself off the roof  Lucy Jordan style, alas I'm a glutton for punishment and on I go. My partner and I have been trying to conceive for the past couple of years. I got pregnant late last year but miscarried after three months. The day after I excitedly told my family. Bummer! At the time I was very philosophical about it all. It seemed to be a natural process of elimination and I trusted that my body new best. I was also a bit terrified about being pregnant, once the reality had set in and so I felt that I had some responsibility in there as well. I didn't blame myself in a negative way though and once the trauma was over I really felt positive about my chances of future conception.

At the time I was working with another girl 10 years younger than me who got pregnant at the same time. When I miscarried she felt like she couldn't really enjoy her own pregnancy. I felt awful about that and I made sure she knew I was fine with everything - "that's life what can you do..." I assured her I was happy for her and I rose above my own situation to support her along her journey.

Three days ago I found out the other young girl in the office is pregnant. I had quite a different response this time. I felt jealous, ripped off and sad. And I felt terrible about feeling those things towards her. I am happy for her but I'm wondering how I'm going to put a brave face on while I support another coworker on their pregnancy journey.  I haven't seen her as yet to congratulate her but to be honest I'm dreading it. I know I'm going to have to be super brave tomorrow when I do. I keep reminding myself that she is on her path, with her own timeline and her time is now. My timeline is different and I need to be patient. She will need female support at work as it's quite a male environment (no offense to all the great supportive men out there). It's bloody hard though.

I thought I'd write this blog for myself just so I don't become bitter and twisted and well if anyone posts anything or can relate then that would just be a great bonus.

Whilst I was feeling quite positive about being able to conceive, the seeds of doubt are starting to appear in my mind but I'm trying to shake it. Uggh, I hope this isn't going to be a long road. Every month I get my hopes up and seem to find a new possible pregnancy symptom and then nothing.

I really feel for every woman out there who's ready to conceive right now and it just isn't working.