July 11, 2011

Monday 11 July 2011

Life is a rollercoaster at this moment. Two days ago I found out I was pregnant! My period was late, only by a day but I was feeling some pregnancy symptoms so I took the test and a clear line was evident. My partner and I were really happy and well it all feels so strange given that the week before I was feeling so down about it all. I realised I'm back in the same situation I was when I was pregnant last time. My other work colleague is pregnant - ahead of me by a few weeks. It's strange. Anyway it's now two days later and i've been enjoying the idea of us being parents though remembering that I need to temper my feelings given the disappointment I could feel if i lost this one too.

I've been feeling mildly nauseas and have had mild cramping but this evening my cramping has heightened and I feel quite emotional. When I miscarried last time I remember feeling period pain cramping that was slowly intensifying. I also felt lower back pain and I had read that this was a likely symptom of miscarriage. As the cramps intensified I felt the inevitability of the situation. I knew without a doubt I was miscarrying and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. At the time I just went with it all and in a way it felt somehow natural...I was trusting that my body new best and that this baby just wasn't quite strong enough to make it through. But I remember feeling helpless.

This evening I'm starting to feel an amount of helplessness. I'm wondering if these cramps are going to intensify and I might loose this pregnancy too. I'm feeling like it might all slip through my fingers again only this time I really want this baby. It's so bitter sweet all this. I have a doctors appnt on Friday which is a week away. Think i'll try and get in there a bit earlier. Please let me make it through.

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