Sunday 24 July 2011

Haven't miscarried as yet but I'm feeling like i'm on the verge. Have had spotting and am feeling crampy this morning. Spoke to the hospital who put me on to their after hours GP and he said just see how you go and book in with GP tomorrow. He said I'd probably have to wait hours to get a scan at the hospital on a sunday anyway. I wish if it was going to happen that it would just happen now so I can get on with things..this waiting is awful. I just looked at the news as well and god! 98 people dead in Norway after terrorist attack? and the amazing Amy Winehouse dead. Far out, think I'll just go jump off the roof.

....later that day. Had a bath and now feeling totally exhausted. Bleeding more regularly now like a light-medium period and feel a bit crampy. Could take a few days I guess. It's quiet and the sun is shining onto my bed. I don't feel so upset now...just feel like i'll have to dust my self off and try again when I'm ready. Besides we've still got so much more to do to our house etc. I so wish this wasn't happening but nothing I can do except keep myself healthy and well for next time. There's a lesson for me here somewhere and I'm not being hard on myself. The situation is almost exactly the same as it was last time. I had a colleague at work a couple of weeks ahead of me and our neighbours were away at the same time so I was collecting eggs from their chooks. Maybe it's just to be more accepting of the way life twists and turns. To not take it so personally To not be so hard on myself. To be soft (not become hardened and bitter) and to feel ok with protecting my emotions by distancing myself from certain situations if I need to.

Saturday 23 July 2011

Well I'm freaking out right now. I have some brownish discharge going on (sorry for being gross) and I'm terrified I'm about to miscarry. I have slight cramping. I was out at the shops and felt incredibly tired and came home. I wish someone could tell me what's going on. Got doc appointment on Monday morning. I've checked out all the on-line blogs. Some women have had this and have gone on to conceive. I was just feeling so much more positive about this pregnancy. I wish I could fight it somehow but what can I do? Sit and wait for fate to sort it out.

Wednesday 20 July 2011

Still pregnant! I'm feeling much more positive about this pregnancy and have even booked myself into a birthing centre. I didn't do this last time round and I remember feeling that it was all very fragile at the time. I didn't want to risk getting too excited, as if I knew somewhere in my body what was going to occur. This time I'm quite excited and letting myself think about the kind of birth I would like. I'm six weeks and there's a blob a little over the size of a seseme seed growing in my belly. I've been feeling ok, not too nauseas or tired so far. I have occasional moments of fear when I have a cramp in my stomach but otherwise everything has been quite mild. I'm thinking about a home birth. I like the idea of a blow up pool in my lounge room with my partner, mum and sister around me. The thought of not having any pain relief handy is a little daunting but I know I'd feel less stressed in my own home in the first place which would help me. I guess I have to see how the pregnancy progresses. I sometimes wonder if I set up a beautiful atmosphere at home to have the birth in, my neighbour will probably start playing his incessant doof music which inturn may release my inner mad woman and help me give birth!

I've been trying to be somewhat with the other pregnant girl at work. I still feel annoyed at being in a similar situation as I was last time but it's so selfish of me to think like that. It's just taken me a while to get over the emotion surrounding her announcement. I want to try and patch things up with my brother somehow too. I don't want negative crap floating around in my head while i'm pregnant. I want to really enjoy it and not take it for granted. I watched an amazing tale on Australian story about a woman with a genetic disorder who went to hell and back to get pregnant. Her journey was extradordinary and heartbreaking, inspiring and heartwarming. Check it out, www.abc.net.au/iView on the Australian Story website (18 July 2011). Keep the tissues handy.

Monday 11 July 2011

Life is a rollercoaster at this moment. Two days ago I found out I was pregnant! My period was late, only by a day but I was feeling some pregnancy symptoms so I took the test and a clear line was evident. My partner and I were really happy and well it all feels so strange given that the week before I was feeling so down about it all. I realised I'm back in the same situation I was when I was pregnant last time. My other work colleague is pregnant - ahead of me by a few weeks. It's strange. Anyway it's now two days later and i've been enjoying the idea of us being parents though remembering that I need to temper my feelings given the disappointment I could feel if i lost this one too.

I've been feeling mildly nauseas and have had mild cramping but this evening my cramping has heightened and I feel quite emotional. When I miscarried last time I remember feeling period pain cramping that was slowly intensifying. I also felt lower back pain and I had read that this was a likely symptom of miscarriage. As the cramps intensified I felt the inevitability of the situation. I knew without a doubt I was miscarrying and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. At the time I just went with it all and in a way it felt somehow natural...I was trusting that my body new best and that this baby just wasn't quite strong enough to make it through. But I remember feeling helpless.

This evening I'm starting to feel an amount of helplessness. I'm wondering if these cramps are going to intensify and I might loose this pregnancy too. I'm feeling like it might all slip through my fingers again only this time I really want this baby. It's so bitter sweet all this. I have a doctors appnt on Friday which is a week away. Think i'll try and get in there a bit earlier. Please let me make it through.